Editor's note: For more content like this visit our good friends over at AdultSwim.com
One of the biggest video game releases is upon us. "The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim" (ESRB Rated M) came out today. Like previous entries in the Elder Scrolls series, Skyrim promises a huge fantasy world to explore with near-infinite story possibilities, making each player's time with the game a unique experience. It will not be unheard of for gamers to spend 100 hours or more in the vast Skyrim universe.
Ask yourself, "When was the last time I did anything for more than 100 hours that wasn't related to work, school, or masturbating?" Since working and learning both suck, and masturbating is just furtive and sad, we can use reductive reasoning to conclude that your life in Skyrim will be better than your real life. And here's why:
1. Girls talk to you
Talking to girls in real life is hard. Even if you manage to muster the courage to approach one, she just stares at you vacantly as your brain fumbles for the words to win her heart. Sound familiar? In Skyrim, girls still stare at you vacantly, but all the words you can say are predetermined, removing a great deal of social pressure. Plus, you get to talk about elves and crap like that, which a real-life girl would never subject herself to.
2. The rocks are prettier
Have you ever looked at rocks in the real world, only to find them just a bunch of boring, ordinary rocks? Not so in Skyrim! Every rock that you see in Skyrim has been lovingly hand-crafted by an experienced game developer using highly-sophisticated 3D imaging technology to ensure that the rocks in the game are even more rock-like than real rocks. "If you think the rocks are awesome, you should talk to our Senior Topsoil Designer," said Skyrim's Lead Rock Designer.
Do you feel like you constantly have to convince others around you (friends, family, the old guy at the comic book shop) of the existence of things that everyone keeps telling you don't exist? But you know in your heart - deep down - that they do? Things like high-quality young-adult vampire fiction? Excellent nu-metal bands? Japanese animated television series with riveting, easy-to-follow storylines? If you are this type of person, then you may also believe that dragons could maybe, possibly, theoretically exist. You probably also believe in ghosts and mutants. If so, Skyrim will be a treat.
4. Realistic shadows
Next time you enter a well-lit or semi-lit room, take a look around. Do the shadows look unrealistic? They probably do. And yet, we must accept these unrealistic shadows as part of our everyday existence. The creators of Skyrim, however, were not content to settle for ordinary, unrealistic shadows. Using Sunbeam Verisimilitude lighting technology and a proprietary Incandescent Luminous physics engine, Skyrim's developers were able to achieve the most realistic shadows ever seen in a video game, including some new kinds of shadows that only exist in the world of Skyrim.
Editor's note: You can find more respectably nerdy content like this from our friends over at AdultSwim.com!
We see you there, siting comfortably in front of your computer, eating moon pies and Cherry Garcia while watching wrestling kittens wearing bow ties.
You don't have a care in the world, do you? You're going to watch an episode of "Jersey Shore," wrap yourself up in your slanket and sleep soundly until you have to get up tomorrow and go to a job that you actually kind of like.
God, we hate you.
We bet that you didn't once stop to think about what horrors might lie beyond the stars in the infinite vacuum of space or within the darkest chasms of the deepest seas, now did you? Did you?!
Well, we know someone who contemplated myriad monstrous blasphemies, creatures that do not live yet are not dead, and things that lie just beyond the fringes of sanity. Let's take a quick jaunt through the looking glass into the unspeakable madness of the undisputed master of the sciencehorrorfantasy fiction genre, Howard Phillip Lovecraft.
Editor's note: AdultSwim.com, one of our geeky friends in the Time Warner universe, got pretty nerdy with this deep dive into stop animation. Check it out!
With shows like "Robot Chicken," "Moral Orel," and "Frankenhole" under our belts, we're obviously no strangers to stop motion animation. Contrary to popular belief, these are not the only stop motion projects that are worth your time.
The Adventures of Mark Twain by Will Vinton:
Will Vinton is the man responsible for the California Raisins, The PJ's, and a slew of holiday specials that all earned him a family-friendly reputation. This 1987 film begs to differ. As surreal as it is unsettling, this particular scene, "The Mysterious Stranger," has certainly proved memorable for those late-80's children who were unlucky enough to see it in theaters.
Meat Love by Jan Svankmajer:
The grandaddy of surreal stop motion, Jan Svankmajer has produced some of the most groundbreaking and inspirational animated shorts and projects of all time. He also never shied away from using unorthodox animation materials, such as this short in which actual raw meat was painstakingly manipulated and molded frame-by-frame.
Western Spaghetti by PES:
Another animator who has mastered the use of unique materials is PES, who hand-picks items like google eyes and bubble wrap and transforms them into something else entirely. PES should be credited not only for his impressive shorts, but also for finally finding a better use for candy corn. FULL POST
Editor's note: AdultSwim.com, one of our geeky friends in the Time Warner universe, put together a commendable list of the institutions and universities we wish we had actually gone to. Check it out!
When you consider famous fictional colleges, titles like Animal House or Revenge of the Nerds immediately come to mind. Here's the thing, though: Faber College wasn't nearly as exceptional as John Belushi's zit impression. Adams College was little more than the stage on which the nerds took their heavily-suspendered stand. Here are some nonexistent schools that stand out for their campuses, faculty, and institutional achievements. FULL POST
Sometimes we get mad, shake our fist in the air, and yell "Khaaaaaan!" at the top of our lungs. Just like Prince did when he was helping Chaka Khan record "I Feel For You".
That's precisely why AdultSwim.com was inspired to list, in order, their very favorite Khans. From "Comic Khan" and Salman Khan to Robot Chicken and Samuel Coleridge, we dare you not to chuckle at the ways Khan has influenced popular culture.